Coming back

I don't fully know why I stopped writing here. I think it's that my best coping mechanism throughout the pregnancy was to stay in the here-and-now and not think about whether or not there really would be a baby at the end of it. And chronicling everything on this blog felt like tempting fate. I just wanted to stay under the radar, let the time pass, and hope that I wouldn't attract any bad luck.

This worked surprisingly well. Not talking about my pregnancy with too many people, and not thinking too far ahead, kept me relaxed and happy in a way that I wouldn't have thought possible. But once I'd start getting ahead of myself ---like the time in late December when Adam's mom hounded us about decorating the baby's room, and, by the way, could she be in the room when I gave birth?---I'd shut down.

But really, most days, I'd joke that I wanted to bottle whatever hormonal blend I was brewing. Even better, once we got past the Down Syndrome scare, Sam aced all further tests and ultrasounds.

It was a beautiful pregnancy. I am so profoundly grateful to have been able to experience it.

And the birth---while somewhat dampened by the fancy teaching hospital's CYA approach to obstetrical care, which included unnecessary IV antibiotics for Sam and me for 48 hours ---was a good one.

So that's what we got. Healthy baby, healthy mother. Go figure.

What we didn't get, though, was the full storybook ending---a natural and easy slide into maternal bliss. Having Sam cured a lot of things, but not everything. I did not glide into motherhood. I stumbled. And then felt crushing guilt for not being simply happy after getting what I had begged for.

It has gotten so much better. Sam makes my heart explode with love at every turn. But I'm still stumbling on a regular basis. Sometimes I long for solitude, then take that as evidence that I'm too selfish to be a good mother. I worry about Sam when there's absolutely no need -- he's so happy, so robust -- then worry I'm teaching him to fear the world. I'm still taking Celexa, to my great shame, and had to bump up the dose earlier this month when I felt the first stirrings of could have turned into post-partum depression if I hadn't acted.

So I got what I want, and now what? Real life, I guess...